I hesitate to use the above title, because it makes it sound like I'm an expert, which I am NOT! I guess these are just things I've been learning, working on and discovering are helpful in developing your lasting bond with your child. I've also managed to come up with a very "corny" or "cheesy" acrostic. Here it is…..
PATTER…
Why "patter"? No special reason, except that it worked. So, let's just say it'll make yours and your child's hearts go pitter-patter when you develop that stronger bond that will unite you as a family with an ever-expanding love.
Provide:
This is all about you providing what you can to bring comfort to your child, who has come from a place of hurt/loss. That means providing of your time, giving your child foods which he/she considers "comfort food", hugs, kisses, and did I mention TIME?
Avoid Institutionalized Care:
As much as possible, avoid putting your child into institutionalized care. This one I didn't read anywhere. I just created this rule, myself, thinking that if my child had nothing but institutionalized care before she came to us, and did not know what was expected of her in a family, then wouldn't the best way possible for her to learn about family would be to stay in one as much as possible? So, I decided that I would try my best to keep her within families whenever I could. So, for example, while it's great that schools provide after-care programs,
if I could not pick her up right after school, I would pray and try to find a family who could take her in until I could pick her up.
I was VERY blessed by generous and loving families who did help meet that need and Penny learned SO much from them about family expectations and roles. She often returned to her own new family with information about what she learned from observing the kids in another family, as they interacted with their parents.
True Forever Family:
We probably all know about and have even used the cute little catch phrase, "forever family". On-the-one-hand, I like it. On-the-other-hand, I don't think it is entirely truthful. What I mean is that if we tell our kids that we are their "forever family", won't they be suspicious? After all, what happened to the first family they were supposed to have? That didn't work out to be forever, so how can they know that this one will? We want to be as honest and truthful as we can with our kids, so that they can learn to trust us. So, I hesitate to promise something that we don't know if it will come true. After all, what if there is a tragic accident and our kids lose one or both of us someday?
So, let's also be honest with ourselves and explore the truth. In my quest to know the truth, I have come to the conclusion that there really is only ONE TRUE "FOREVER FAMILY". If you don't know about that one, please ask me more. It has to do with a real "dad" who will NEVER, EVER leave ANYONE alone!
After all, He made each and every human being and loves ALL of us with an everlasting love. As I have shared this truth with my daughter it has brought to her an amazing sense of peace. She has someone even more powerful and trustworthy than her earthly parents, who will never leave her for all of eternity. Now that's the kind of family that is truly forever and make our kids feel secure!
Try to Live a Regulated Lifestyle, Yourself:
Now, I know that none of us are perfect. But, if we are hoping and expecting that our children need to learn how to become more regulated, than doesn't it make sense that we should be the leading example for them? So, if we wish they would learn how to lower their voices, doesn't it make sense for us to bring down the volume of our own voices? Or say we wish they could learn to get into better sleep patterns, then perhaps we should get into a regular habit of getting enough shut-eye, ourselves, so that we can be sane enough to deal with life in a half-way grownup, regulated way. That means trying to also eat healthy and get some exercise.
I'm not talking spending lots of time and money on it. But, really it doesn't have to be much. What do you need? Some tennis shoes, a towel, some weights, and an old aerobics exercise video works for me.
Even a little walking, biking or jumping around to music can count for something, right?! It will encourage your kid to learn a healthy lifestyle, too.
Expect Challenges and Try to Face Them as CALMLY as Possible:
Now, I know this one is true for every parent. But, let's face it, our kids come from a challenging past, in which the ones who gave life to them were unable to raise them. So, they are already starting from a place of loss that rightly can cause some unique challenges to arise. I realize these might vary widely for each child and family. But, if we are expecting them, ahead of time, and determine to act with the most peaceful response possible, it will help our children also learn to not be afraid of their challenges and to realize that they have someone as an advocate on their side to overcome their "issues". Notice I used the word, "act". So, even if you're not FEELING calm, just learn how to be a good actor/actress. It will be good enough for your kid and when you pretend, you might actually find yourself sincerely beginning to chill out.
Rules, Routines and Rewards Lead to more Regulation
If you get upset when your child seems to be out-of-sync, then stop and take a look at the daily routines in your family's life. Perhaps it's just too chaotic for your kid and sets them off emotionally/mentally. Most kids don't like the helpless feeling of not being able to control things. And when it comes to adoption, there's a huge life change that he/she had no ability to really control. For those kids who grew up in an orphanage, they were at least used to very strict routines. My daughter describes how she was expected to get up early in the morning to do morning exercises before helping to cook breakfast. She had just enough time to chow down her breakfast before she went to school. Upon returning to the orphanage there were more chores before dinner time, etc. You get the idea that her life had a definite rhythm and routine to it. Granted, she didn't always like it, but she knew exactly what to expect. So, I tried to set a routine as much as possible for her new life in America. Teaching her to be responsible for things on her own were a challenge. No longer did she have a whistle blown to announce the next activity. For the first time in her life, she had to learn how to actually tell time and begin to keep track of it. It was a lot to learn, besides what a family is, how to tie shoes, how to speak English, what table manners were in this country, etc., etc. Not easy to learn so many new things at once, especially at age 13! So, please try to help your child ease into his new life by establishing set routines. Even write it out in a chart (bilingual would be helpful for older kids who have just begun learning English, but can read/write their mother tongue.)
Above are pictures of my niece with the charts that Penny and I made, together. One was to record her chores. Another one was a list of her Saturday routine, which I had her help me make. My niece loved looking at them and said that she wished she had something like that. Perhaps your kids are craving some predictability in their lives, too? And then it will lead to them becoming so regulated, like this, right?!
Well, along with the routine, also has to come room for fun!
So, I hope that these ideas were helpful, especially for those who are just in the early stages of adopting. I remember hearing all kinds of advice and horror stories and wondered, "Will I be a good parent?" "How will I know what to do?" "I have no idea how to parent a teenager!" Well, the only way to learn is to jump in and take the risk and discover that none of us always get it right. But, I'm SO thankful for each new day, which is full of God's grace for the moment. He's the most patient and loving daddy who is not finished with us, yet!
