The Inner Hidden Fears of an Expectant Adoptive Parent

Here I thought I was remaining relatively calm throughout this long process of adoption. But, my dream last night really revealed some inner hidden fears I must be having. I dreamt that we were in a big, dark board room. There were several people seated around the large table. There was a woman sitting at the far end of the table. Someone from WACAP said to us, "We're sorry, but "Penny" will be placed with that family (at the end of the table). You'll have to start all over and try for a different child. I was trying to act like it was no big deal. Jay got mad at me and asked me how I could make light of the matter. I told him it was because I was trying hard not to cry. But after that I lost it. I was bawling and bawling. Then I woke up. It took me a second to get my bearings and to realize that it had all been a dream, rather, a nightmare. When I told one teacher about my dream today, she said, "I can imagine how stressful it is. I was adopted and my mom used to tell me how scary it was to think that at any moment you could have the rug pulled out from under your feet." This is just one way in which adoption feels a lot scarier, I think, than in having a biological child. Everything is so completely out of our control. I thought I was handling these fears quite well. But, I guess the inner self is a lot more timid than my outer shell. God knows my heart and understands. Look at the great risk He took at sending His son to sacrifice Him in order to save us sinners. Now that's a major risk! But, obviously, I guess He thought we were worth it.